


The Stealth Courting of Agent Gibbs or How Steve Had a Nervous Breakdown

by QueenieKildare



Series: Fluff Bingo 2019 [3]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Canon Is Stupid So I've Elected To Ignore It, Crack, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 05:50:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21049352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenieKildare/pseuds/QueenieKildare
Summary: Eli is tired of his beloved catching his enemies only for something as stupid as “due process” to get in the way.





	The Stealth Courting of Agent Gibbs or How Steve Had a Nervous Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Gifts Square. You’re welcome.

It started on a Thursday.

It _ always _starts on a Thursday. 

Gibbs was just working himself up to checking in with Abby on her progress with his latest case, when the elevator doors opened and security came out. Normally, he’d just ignore them but he was having a rather difficult day and so he was hoping that they’d prove to be a distraction.

The security guard, Steve, came over to Gibbs’ desk and cleared his throat. Gibbs glanced up and just raised an eyebrow. 

Steve cleared his throat again and placed a package onto Gibbs’ desk. “This just came for you, Agent Gibbs,” he said.

Gibbs just grunted and picked up the package. He shook it, hoping for some kind of indication as to its content, and all he could hear was a faint thump as whatever was inside the box knocked into the sides. With a mental shrug, Gibbs pulled out his knife and slit the tape, opening the package. 

The inside of the box had a small pink envelope inside and was full of bright, fluorescent pink tissue paper. Gibbs promised himself he’d burn it at the earliest opportunity—hopefully, before all that sick pink bullshit infected him. He pulled out the envelope and opened it.

_ My Beloved, _

_ I saw this and thought of you and your most glorious eyes. Eyes truly are the window to the soul. _

_ Happy Valentine’s Day, my beloved. _

Both Gibbs eyebrows were attempting to disappear into his hairline. He had an _ admirer _ . What. The. _ Actual _. Fuck.

No really, what the fuck?

Steve chuckled and Gibbs glanced up sharply glaring a hole into his head. Steve wisely shut up.

He removed the first two layers of tissue paper only to discover yet another box. This one was blood red and covered in pink hearts. All the frou-frou bullshit was going to give him indigestion, he was sure.

He opened the heart box of horror and the only thing keeping him from dropping the box in shock was years of strict self-control. The box had a ziplock bag with a pair of eyes inside it.

A. Pair. Of. _ Eyes. _

What the fuck was his life?!

Steve shrieked and scrambled away, drawing the attention of the rest of the bullpen. This was going to be a clusterfuck of truly epic proportions, he just knew it.

Gibbs just sighed in resignation.

— — — — 

Hours later, after being questioned—read interrogated—having his desk searched, and having to give an account for his whereabouts for the last month he was released. The whole agency was up in arms over the eyes and more than one person had lost their lunch. 

It turns out the eyes weren’t just mailed to him—which was fucking creepy enough—but some sick fuck had carved a fucking heart into the retina of each eye.

Vance had wanted to put him into protective custody, but he’d nixed that shit pretty damn quick. He had a job to do and he couldn’t do it if he was stuck in some stupid fucking safe house away from the action. 

Besides, nothing about the letter or the…_gift _ was threatening—just creepy as fuck.

So the eyes, letter, and all accoutrements had gone into evidence and Gibbs had gone back to work. 

End of story.

— — — —

Days turned into weeks and before he knew it February had turned into March—and Valentine’s Day became St. Patrick’s Day.

If he had to choose between lovey-dovey crap, hearts, and flowers or beer—he’d choose beer every time. So St. Patrick’s Day wasn’t _ terrible_—when he wasn’t working. Any day that involved drinking inevitably lead to an increased workload for Gibbs. Which was a point against the holiday.

Gibbs’ team had been working a double homicide for the last week. They’d managed to find the culprit but the guy had gone free due to Ziva’s _ creative _ use of lock picks and her aggressive interrogation tactics. Gibbs didn’t see what the problem was—they’d found the guy it was on the lawyers to convict him. 

But the DA insisted that they couldn’t actually prosecute someone when the evidence was gained illegally or the suspect had been “battered” during interrogation.

Which was just bullshit. This was just one more example of why lawyers were useless lumps of flesh. 

Morons, the whole lot of them.

Jethro was trying to put the entire situation out of his head which he’d have more luck with if _ someone _ would stop clearing their throat every two fucking seconds. Gibbs finally had had enough of the throat clearing and was getting ready to ream the asshole responsible when he noticed that the asshole in question was Steve the security guard.

Apparently, he had another package.

Gibbs had the passing thought wondering if he should get hazmat prepared before he dismissed it. He’d only received the one measly package and, in the end, it seems the eyes had belonged to a murderer. It was one less scumbag out on the streets as far as he was concerned. He’d considered sending a thank you note before he’d realized he didn’t actually have the return address for his creepy stalking secret admirer.

Wordlessly, he took the box from Steve, pulled his knife, and opened the box. Inside was a green envelope surrounded by green tissue paper—at least it wasn’t _ pink_.

_ My Man-Bear, _

_ You’ve stolen my heart, my beloved, I only hope you take better care of it than you do yourself. I know I will keep your heart safe. _

Gibbs snorted before he could help himself. _ Man-Bear_? Really? Who the fuck thought of this shit?

At least they hadn’t called him something stupid and cheesy like _ pumpkin _ or _ snuggle-bunny_. That would’ve been hard to take—he had a reputation to maintain, after all.

He set aside the note and its envelope, and pulled out the tissue paper. Inside was a dark green wooden box intricately carved with shamrocks and little pots of gold. Gibbs hesitated before he pulled the box out, dreading what would be inside it.

Steve screamed and then promptly fainted.

Gibbs rolled his eyes. Honestly, some people were _ such _ drama queens. Steve needed to grow a pair already—it was just a heart.

Okay, so it was a heart that had been painstakingly cleaned of blood. And was in perfect condition except for the shamrock carved into its center. Whoever had removed it had taken extra care to not…miss anything.

Gibbs dropped the heart back into the box and sighed. It was going to be a long night.

— — — —

Jethro was still at his desk at nearly eight on a Friday night finishing up the paperwork for his latest case. Another murder. Another clusterfuck. Another criminal walking free.

He’d just finished the last of the paperwork when the elevator doors opened and Steve came over to his desk—visibly cautious.

Steve paused beside Gibbs’ desk, cleared his throat, and set down a brown cardboard package. “Please, for the love of God, wait to open it until I leave,” he begged.

Gibbs glared at him through narrowed eyes and Steve deflated. 

Pleased that he still had it, Gibbs opened the box.

Inside was a white envelope surrounded by white tissue paper covered in greyscale polka dots.

_ My Beloved, _

_ You work too hard, my darling, you should take better care of yourself. If you ever need a hand, my sweet, just say the word and I shall be there. _

Jethro rolled his eyes so hard he was sure he sprained his eyes. He was pretty sure he knew _ exactly _ what was in this little… _ gift _.

He removed the tissue paper and pulled out a pair of severed hands.

Steve screamed bloody murder, turned to run, and tripped over the corner of Ziva’s desk falling on his face. He screamed louder once it became obvious that he’d broken his nose. Gibbs just rolled his eyes and stepped over Steve—who was on the floor moaning, crying and trying to stem the blood from his broken nose. He’d managed to get blood all over himself, the floor, Ziva’s desk _ and _ her chair. 

Yeah, he’d totally called that one.

— — — —

Eli hummed happily as he cleaned the blood off of his favorite knife. His little gifts were turning out _ beautifully_, if he did say so himself. His beloved man-bear had worn the most _ adorable _ amused expression for his pun-filled last gift.

Life was beautiful. He was _ such _ a blessed man.

— — — —

Steve stepped off of the elevator with the most hang-dog expression known to man. Jethro wasn’t sure what was more amusing at this point—the gifts themselves, Vance’s face when no evidence was recovered, or Steve’s drama. 

He was going to have to go with Steve’s drama.

Steve came over to his desk, drawing a crowd of onlookers. By now, everyone could guess what Steve was there to deliver and they all wanted to get a first look at the package’s contents.

With shaking hands, Steve set the large package down on Gibbs’ desk. “A package for you, Agent Gibbs” he said forlornly. “If there’s any justice in the world,” he began. 

Gibbs sharply cut Steve off, “that’s _ enough_!” He glared at Steve, who ducked his head, and continued on to cutting open the package.

Sure enough, amidst the red, salmon, and orange tissue paper dotted with smiley faces, was an innocuous salmon colored envelope with a bright red kiss stamped on the back. 

_ Darling, _

_ You have ignored my admonition to take better care of yourself, my beloved—for shame! How will you be able to catch your adversaries if you have not had enough rest? You are practically skin and bones, my sweet. I worry so. _

_ I know how you feel about those curs whom would harm a child, and so my gift for you is even more apropos than normal! I truly despair of the justice system you are so set about upholding. Especially since this marks the fourth time that such a despicable human being, if they can even be called so, has been simply freed to once again walk the earth. Truly, it is appalling what your precious “justice system” allows to transpire, my darling. Though it is, of course, no fault of your own. _

_ But take heart, my man-bear! For I have sent you a most auspicious gift... _

Gibbs was sure his eyebrows had moved beyond the mating dance with his hair and straight on to shenanigans. Especially if the looks that he was getting from the other agents were anything to go by. Quickly, he set aside the note and its envelope and started to move the tissue paper looking to find the gift.

Several people made sounds of surprise when Gibbs pulled out not one but _ two _ boxes. Even when his creepy admirer had sent severed hands, they’d been in the same box. He was almost concerned about what would need two separate boxes to ship—almost.

He opened the larger of the two boxes first and snorted in mingled disgust and embarrassment. It seems his admirer had grown tired of his lack of self-care and had taken it upon themselves to send him some seriously pricey lotions, soaps, aftershave, shampoos and even a straight razor. Seriously.

Gibbs locked down his face before his blush could surface. He was _ never _ going to live this shit down. For the love of sanity!

Deciding that the second package was the only safe option, he quickly closed the first box, and stored it inside his desk. He was keeping that shit. End of story. It smelled nice and he’d bet an entire paycheck that it would feel amazing on his skin. Vance could kiss his ass.

The second box’s content caused even Gibbs to shout in surprise and quickly close it.

Nestled inside the box, on a bed of human hair, was a human cock and balls. 

Steve made a sound like a deflated balloon and then promptly fainted dead away in the middle of the floor.

Honestly, some people never learned.

— — — —

Gibbs slammed the door to Vance’s office shut behind himself as he stormed back to his desk. There weren’t words for how absolutely furious he was. There’d been a terrorist bombing at the Navy Yard, and, to add to the Shit Sunday someone had shot at him. 

Gibbs and his team had spent the better part of a month trying to work out both whom the terrorists were and whom the shooter was to no avail. They hadn’t been able to catch either and now he was being ordered off the case!

To say he was livid would be an understatement of truly epic proportions.

He stormed over to his desk and glared hard enough to kill when Tim opened his mouth to ask a question. He didn’t care what Tim wanted, he’d better shut his stupid fucking mouth or _ else_.

He grabbed his coat and turned to leave when Steve came out of the elevator over to his desk. Gibbs snarled at the security guard with his lip curled all but daring the man to say anything.

It seems that all of the body parts had served to give Steve a modicum of backbone. He stared steadily at Gibbs and thrust out a medium sized package. “Another delivery for you, Agent Gibbs,” he said.

Gibbs growled at the man, grabbed the package, threw his coat back onto his chair, and cut open the package with his knife. The envelope inside was a pretty ice blue.

_ My Beloved, _

_ I was most grieved to hear that some buffoon dared to try to harm you! That they would think themselves worthy of your time and attention is already a stretch of the imagination but to believe they could possibly touch you?! It is not to be borne. _

_ While I realize that you would have liked to handle the idiot yourself, I could not allow you to be endangered a moment longer. Truly, my man-bear, I apologize for depriving you of your prey. I know how you love the hunt. _

_ All is not lost, however, my beloved for I have sent you a most wonderful gift! What better way to prove my ability to work alongside you, to provide for you, to watch your delectable back and delicious ass? _

_ You need fear no longer, my darling, your would be assassin has been dealt with—and I assure you, I made my displeasure known to him. At great length and volume. _

_ I do see you have been enjoying the products I sent you, my sweet. Your complexion has improved greatly. I took note of your favorites, and as I am sure you are now out, I have sent replacements. _

Jethro hesitated to check the rest of the box. Yes, he’d managed to smuggle out the various personal care products his not-so-secret admirer had sent in the previous package. But Vance had given him hell for it. His ears were still ringing from the sheer volume Leon had managed to hit during his rant.

_ Ah, fuck it, _ he thought, _ I do what I want. _ He removed the tissue paper, figuring the larger and more heavy box had his goodies inside. He opened that box and, sure enough, it had all of his favorite products in it. He put the box into his desk drawer and glared at everyone, daring them to say anything. 

He was pleased when they all looked anywhere _ but _ at him.

Once he’d secured his goodies, he turned to the remaining box. He sent Steve a side-eyed look. “Why don’t you just sit down now, Steve and save yourself the hospital visit?” He said with a smirk.

Steve shot the ceiling with a long-suffering look and muttered “why me?”

Gibbs opened the box, quickly closed it, and cleared his throat. “Well, shit.”

“Just open it!” Someone yelled.

Jethro glared but did, in fact, open the box. Inside the box, nestled amongst cotton batting was a human head.

Steve started hyperventilating, shooting the room a wide-eyed gaze.

Gibbs got up, closed the box, and patted Steve on the shoulder as he passed him on his way to the elevator. “Buck up, Stevie! At least you didn’t pass out!” 

Someone snorted. Steve shot Jethro an incredulous look and made the mistake of looking into the box…directly into the open eyes of the head.

He promptly passed out.


End file.
